Monsters Don't Cry
by MegFallow
Summary: Manga AU: What if Alucard didn't feel remorse or anything following the defeat of Father Anderson can Integra reach him before he truly becomes nothing as a monster? Sung to the tune of HURT'S Rapture. Follows up to Dark Walter's arrvial. MANGA SPOILERS!


**A/N: This is my first Hellsing fanfic, a oneshot story in which poses a "what if" regarding the situation in volume #72: What if Alucard couldn't after all these years of being dead inside not cry, just not cry at all yet Integra knows that the only way he can overcome his pain by doing so, will it be possible? Find out.**** I did this story to the the song "Rapture" by HURT because after hearing the song (its my favorite HURT song) I feel it speaks to the death of Father Anderson. I hope everyone likes it.**

**Note: **words in Thoughts Sir Integra

words in **Thoughts **Alucard

**Disclaimer: I don't own the manga or the t.v. show (if I did I would be rich man! RICH!) nor the band HURT**

**----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_in the life of the wrong a love lingered on,  
_

How, How, HOW!

_love lingered on to frustration_

How could he have done it, Alucard thought to himself, staring down at the torn apart priest whose skin once soft and smooth as a human was now as dry and crackled as a piece of dried up paper mache. The heat from the fire consuming London was blowing the charred skin slowly away like the leaves in Autumn. Alucard stood there with his eyes glowing from the reflecting fire of the blaze all around them as if it repsented the vampire's own fire of anger in his mind.

_and if our love is so wrong, what should we do alone?  
or am i just a picture in a photograph?_

Anderson had taken the nail and stabbed himself into it in a mock form of suicide and then transformed into a hideous monster of thorns. They had battled and as always Alucard stood victorious. But there was no cheer or celebration from his friends when he took the beating heart in his hands and smashed it into a bloody pulp. Just utter silence and horror. Not even Integra smiled at seeing one of Iscariot's own laying there dying, trying to breathe. Instead of a word of triumph for the final poetic taunt of a man who lost in battle, all Alucard screamed at the top of his lungs were:

_why are we stuck in this pantomime fearing a god who died?_

"YOU. ARE. ME!"

That was when the heart broke apart, it was damaged in the first place anyway to salvage, too many deep lacerations from the sharp point of Elena's Nail to even set it right

_one who would not deny lovers?_

To set anything right

He let out a hellish roar loud enough for everyone both on his side and Anderson's side to hear so none would forget it. "You are no different from myself, it all happened the same way," he raised his hands to his face digging his nails into the flesh besides his terror-striken eyes that were so dry; as dry as the hot air whirling around them,"all of this is no different than how I became this way!"

_and i don't care what they say, if what you need is your faith,  
then take a look at my face and know_

He could hear Heinkel and Yumie beginning to cry with thier gasps cracking with each sob that uttered from thier throat. But that vampire stood there listening along with the rest of them the last words Father Anderson would ever say to them. It was hard to make out if he was merely speaking to just Heinkel and Yumie or to the rest of them Iscariot and Hellsing alike in the same matter a dying father speaks his last words of wisdom to his grieving children standing around him, but they listened regardless because it would be the last time he would say anything to any of them this time tonight.

_that till your rapture falls to pieces  
until your rapture falls to pieces_

Alucard could not bring himself to cry, he could not find it in himself to do so, not this time for someone else. Maybe in the dark corners of his cell when he was alone suffering the nightmare of being staked to death would he wake up and see that tiny threads of blood drew from his eyes onto his pure white gloves but he always licked them up clean before making himself appear before Integra so she would not know that he had just cried for some reason. He lowered his hands to the side of his body clutching his fists flexing them back and forth mindlessly not even becoming aware of what his hands were doing at all. Gnashing his fangs together in frustration until he broke some of the skin inside his oral cavity and tiny red lines drew down over the sides of his chin. But he might of been numb since he didn't even feel a thing of pain for his skin breaking.

_find in me the room to breathe,  
simple things like suffering_

Anderson had been so determined to wipe him out that he would resort to forsaking the only thing he was sworn to protect-humanity, just to try and kill Alucard. And even so why couldn't he of done it as himself in his own human form. That goddamn thorn monster didn't even LOOK human, there was no face on it at all. Nothing but a human sized brush of thorns that moved wearing only Anderson's clothes and had no voice. How could he bring himself to seek the comfort of death in the hands of something that wasn't even as pure and wonderful as a human (even if it looked like the one that spent each waking moment cursing the vampire's existance) he could have accepted it that way. But the battle was all over, Alucard had won and was not going to feel nothing for this man that resembled anything of a shred of contentment. There came a pull in his stomach that he ignored, a metaphysical rupture that strained internally in his system forcing him to feel something. Wrenching and grinding and pulling and tearing, but yet nothing came out. His eyes were dry and he didn't even express any happiness for it at all even if he wanted to that he had survived the battle between his greatest rival.

_life had gone this way_

Truely dead inside as he always was.

_life is gone this way_

A voice inside of Integra spoke to him, he had nearly forgetten himself that she was there. Smoking her large oversized cancer stick without a word or even a smile upon her lips. This was the first time she ever made the first speech to him when they would coverse mentally back and forth.

Alucard cry..

_still in the life of the wrong we all moved along_

**Why must I? Why must I cry for a man who cowardly didn't have faith in his own HUMAN determination to kill me. I will not weep for him, I will not weep for anything! He bought it onto himself, this is his punishment for having to resort to being as immortal as I just for this! I won't cry!**

_another life evolved to gestation  
and so we made our way with the mistake we made_

He clutched his hands again gathering up the folds of his long coat into his palms and squeezing them once again as hard and as tightly as the heart ripped to shreds at his feet gathering the filthy allure of flies and maggots to feast upon it.

Alucard...Father Anderson...probably deserves this more than Maxwell, he turned his back on God for murder and power. But Anderson turned his back on God to stop you with the same intent as always...to still destroy what he calls 'abominations' so mortals would not suffer...the reasons are the same to him but the condition was different this time around. I know what he did was unforgivable to you, but he was still the same man you have always battled before in the past.

**I DON'T CARE! HE TURNED HIS BACK ON GOD'S LOVE OF HUMANITY AND LOOK AT HIM NOW! LET HIM FLY AWAY TO HELL NOW! I CARE NOT ANYMORE! HE IS GONE FORGET IT!**

_but she was just a picture in the photograph_

Alucard's telepathic responce to Integra left a soft headache in the middle of her forehead but she didn't let up. She wasn't going to deny that what Father Anderson did was worthy of matyrdom or biblical heroism. But something had to be resolved. It reminded her of one of the few words Anderson had said to Alucard when he was so intent to be so forcibly hollow that he didn't even hear it himself: "When a human's tears finally dry up forever, they transform into a monster, they dry up themselves." If Alucard treasured humans so much than why dosen't he cry like one just this once, for his sake?

_so she walked in the baby's room  
knowing what she should do leave me in  
absolute horror_

Alucard, she tried once more, I maynot control how you feel, but I want you at least to try on your own to feel something for what has happened to both of you-both you and him. Cry for what you have lost in your own past! At least don't cry for him, or for me, or for Seras but for your last shred of mortality that you will never gain again. He said "Monsters don't cry" CRY! OH MY GOD PLEASE CRY ALUCARD!

_she put her hand on its lip she gave it_

**Why should you care if I become a heartless monster from this fight or not, why, and why do I hear Seras crying is she weak? Even after draining Pip's dead body she is still weak enough to cry for a man that killed her as much as he kills me?! Do not send her over here I do not want to have her see her master like this!**

_one last kiss  
and some tune that went_

Alucard...

**And once more what if I do and I can't stop!**

You mean not make her see that there is no victory in battle that there is no shame in holding on to both your friends and enemies? To understand that without them there is no reason to fight, no reason at all, but to serve me like a wasted drone for enternity. do you not feel some regret that you two will never fight again. I saw how much it gave you joy Alucard every time he arrives during our missions to thrawt us for The Vatican; more joy than I have ever seen on you before. He was the best enemy you ever had to face, you said so yourself. Now you want to not show any gracious thanks at the challenge he presents to you that you so crave-

_until your rapture falls to pieces  
till your rapture falls to pieces_

-no matter how many times you have beaten him he still dosen't run away, he never gave up like those others that attacked you before, I know he is a Iscariot. I can understand that. But he did something else that you have shown to me time and time again-Defiance. He with all his twisted fanatic reglious zealousy would not of stood up to Maxwell, would not of seen what that warthog had done was going to far, so far that it was out of the reach of serving God.

And if possible I will make time stop just until you are done crying even if it takes a hundred years

_find in me the room to breathe,  
simple things are suffering_

During the time that both the vampire and the master were talking to one another through each other's minds, Anderson's corpse was whittling down to a arm, a partial torso, and a partial head. There would be nothing left for a cremation or a furnernal service.

_and i would and i would, destroy your god  
yes i would if i could destroy your god_

There would be no reason for a wake either. The priest was dying and Alucard's soul-or what was left of it-was still screaming for release to experince this moment of death with whatever way the host dicated but with no host to be in charge it squirmed restlessly trying to answer Father Anderson's transition into the afterlife of Heaven or Hell. But without even trying Alucard was not allowing nothing to be heard.

_because you're born again  
until you're worn again,_

Integra gazing over the last remains of Father Anderson blowing away reached out to Alucard again, not giving up no matter what. He was blinded by apathy, numb and paralyzed to the point of blocking out his surroundings all around him as if this war, this battle with the Nazis and Millenium had aruptly ended the moment he defeated Father Anderson.

No, that was not true, the battle was not over yet. And Alucard had to get over his emotionless cargo and fight again. And the only way it had to happen was that he cried to release himself from being a total mindless monster that couldn't even acknowledge her face-to-face. She called out to him again...nearly pleading to Alucard...which scared her even more because now he wasn't even showing any smuggness in his thoughts that she was pleading for him to cry. It was funny, she hated it when he would be so uptight and snotty. Teasing and mocking her sometimes. But now it would come as a welcoming gesture to her, a sign that he was still not completely the monster he was for centuries, That he still shared the same battle for humanity.

Alucard please cry...I want you to cry...I need you to cry...please...cry for yourself...Anderson's mourning is over...yours has just begun...

To make up that which he lost.

Even after the last contact he didn't make a reply. There was dead silence in her mind coming from Alucard. Was he thinking about this? No, if that was the case she still could of heard it somehow. But then a dread creeped over her. A dread that told her the battle had become too much for Alucard. The memories that he tried to forget, his own shocking history, had made him question his own existence and it wasn't anything that would say what he was doing here on earth was for the best.

_till your rapture falls to pieces  
till your rapture falls to pieces_

Suddenly, she heard a audible gasping sound coming from Alucard, followed by choking pants cut off by sobs. Integra gazed down at his feet and saw small red droplets splashing on the cobblestone he was standing on. Alucard's shoulders and head slumped down and more broken sobs followed louder this time as more blood began to flow downward onto the pavement.

_find in me the room to breathe,  
sinful things are suffering_

The sound of Father Anderson saying "Amen" for the last time was spoken over the sound of Alucard finally weeping.

_till your rapture falls to pieces  
till your rapture falls to pieces_

He didn't fall to his knees in the universal gesture of weeping, he cried still standing up, not groveling to the ground like some beaten slave. His fists were still curling around the bunched up fabric of his bondage outfit squeezing in tune with the tears of blood spilling from the corners of his eyes whose lids were sealed shut. The sobs of his trembling voice broke into one loud growling wail that mimicked a scream of raw anger and turmoil. Integra saw Seras feeling so overwhelmed by her master's necessary breakdown that she started to move towards him wanting to wrap her arms around him and hug him tight just like she used to back as a human when one of her dearest friends was in a state of dispair.

A arm rose up in front of Seras's face blocking her from Alucard.

_but, if this must be, then burn with me  
anything_

"Leave him Seras," she whispered through the thick cigar,"this is something he must weep for alone."

_just don't leave_

The only movement even noticeable in Alucard was his shoulders as they shook up and down from the labored breathing that was pounding away inside his own chest. He shuddered voluntarily for his body to remove every ounce of dreary thoughts and feelings from his whole, becoming the poverbial rag that squeezes the heavy moisture from its pores to retain the air-dry sensation once again. The blood over his eyes, made him see everything in blurry scarlet tint in front of him. Even the fire that was a glowing orange was a hellish radiant ruby as tears that were not light and clear as a mortal but dark-red and thick as molasses filled up to his lids in a neverending waterfall that looked as if it would never end. Alucard surpressed his body's desire to collaspe to his knees and kept standing however his body swayed back and forth with the pace of a scarecrow caught in a breeze.

The hot air was cooling down and all that remained of Father Alexander Anderson was a small mound of gray ash blending against the stones of the pavement.

_so find in me the room to breathe  
sinful things are suffering  
till your rapture falls to pieces_

No one knows to this day what happened or what words transpired between Alucard and Integra after his crying started to decrease and he was feeling a wave of calm, serene, composure wash over his body, mind, and twisted soul. Nor did anyone ever know how many hours had passed since Alucard finally started to cry. But they all knew it was a secret furnernal that each would share and the questions that were answered there if not outloud would carry Sir Integra to her own grave, as well as everyone else. With his face hidden away from the gaze of the others behind him Alucard licked the residual tears from his face, enjoying thier salty taste as they made thier way down his throat. When he enjoyed the taste of his own blood tears it was right there and then that he could feel his old emotions coming back to him once again.

"Amen." he repeated to Father Anderson's ashes only this time, the tone he spoke was not of mockery or insult but that of a token of farewell to an old friend.

Or a old beloved enemy.

_she swore she heard the voice of jesus  
telling her it was wrong to keep it  
and one more thing, it looked like me  
back when it breathed_

Sir Integra took a overturned pole of a cross that was laying on the ground and propped it up over where the priest's body had lain. Casting a shadow of a cross that represented his lifework over the blades he fought with. She took a step back and had a moment of silence. A makeshift copy of a gravestone.

_rest in peace_

**_CRUNCH!_**

Just then a foot stamped down on the mound of ashes and rubbed them vigorously trying hard to wipe out the last remaining evidence of the priest's existence. Alucard looked up at the face of the man that had been so cruel as to disrespect thier solemn gathering and stared into the eyes of a familar face that had become dark.

_until the rapture comes to meet us_

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**The End**

**Please leave a review if you liked it or think that it needs a little more work done. As you may already guess at the end this is when Dark Walter arrives at the scene. I was so shocked when I first saw that panal because it literally jolted me out of that sob-fest and made me think "Who does that bastard think he is doing something that mean to Anderson's body" and then I find out-GASP! ITS DARK WALTER! Thank you.**


End file.
